Ray Hudson Does El Clasico

You may know Ray Hudson. If you don’t….what the hell is wrong with you?

He’s the former coach now turned announcer for US-based GolTV. And he’s a legend. Or the worst thing ever to be found on television. There are two sides of the fence when it comes to Ray, as his claim to fame is his very liberal use of the English language, similes that are equally confusing and hilarious, and the happiness which happens in his pants whenever anything even remotely special happens on a football pitch. Even The Guardian’s minute by minute kept highlighting his quips, but until now, there hasn’t been one place to read all of Hudson’s Clasico classics.

Thankfully I spent El Clasico with a notepad handy, because Ray with this behemoth of a fixture is like Christmas come early.

“The immovable object meets the irresistible force.” – On…something.

On Cristiano Ronaldo’s favorite move(s) – “Blades flashing like a combine harvester.”

If you’re into sports betting, here are a few absolute no-risk wagers:

i. Ray Hudson’s references are going to require Google.
ii. Cristiano Ronaldo is going to use stepovers at first chance.
iii. Always bet on The Iker Casillas Face – the one where he glares at his defense with dagger eyes – during a Clasico.

Three for three.

On Lionel Messi – “Like a squirrel on a telegraph wire.”

Presumably he was dancing nimbly on a straight line, but this one still required Google as we here in the 21st century typically call it a “telephone wire” or “power lines”.

On Lionel – “He could follow you into a revolving door and he’d still come out first.”

If you’ve spent far too long considering the possibility of this…

…welcome to the club. (Any suggestions?)

On Xavi – “Cool as Jimi Hendrix at Woodstock.”

On Xavi – “Old chameleon eyes with that kaleidoscope vision.”

Apparently “chameleon eyes” allow for 360 degree vision, which would explain why this term was used to describe Xavi so very often.

Thanks to Ray and Google for this dollop of knowledge for today.

On Sami – “Khedira, I couldn’t find him with a spotlight either.”

On the first half skirmish – “Then Valdes comes out and spits the verbals like Mussolini at the balcony”

On Pepe’s new nickname – “Pepe the Portuguese Peach”

Facial hair reference, I think.

On Lil Wayne – “David Villa absolutely makes Sergio Ramos his little lollipop”

Intimate knowledge of the Spanish dressing room?

Don’t answer that.

On what was happening in Ray’s trousers during the third Barcelona goal – “this is a goal of orgiastic proportions”

You’re always bound to walk into some TMI when Ray’s in the house.

“Real Madrid’s defense stretched out like spandex on Miami beach” – On Real Madrid’s defense, obviously.

You feel like this one was aimed at one of Ronaldo or Ramos.

On Barca’s fourth – “The precise pass that opens up the white shirts like a fresh fish.”

Today’s offerings were decidedly animal-centric. Maybe Ray’d just visited a zoo.

On Villa – “He’s got fire in him. He’s like a Peregrine falcon, that guy.”

A Google search on “peregrine falcon fire” comes up entirely blank.

Ray Hudson, ladies and gentlemen.

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Category: Spain La Liga, World Football