The All-Benched XI

By: chris | January 3rd, 2008

All over Europe some strange happenings have transpired so far this year, eliciting massive amounts of drama. Some of it warranted, some of it not so much. But what would ~~the media~~ sport be without drama? Nothing, I say. And absolutely nothing gets the drama pumping like a good benching. From Jen Lehmann to Ronaldinho to half the Valencia squad, we’ve been able to lap it up for much of the season. So here’s your All-Benched XI thus far, and be warned, the term “benched” is being used very liberally. (And this team wasn’t meant to be put out on a field, for all you tactical pundits out there.)

GK: If this one was based on self-promotion, it would be Jens Lehmann all day every day. But his performance really justified the actions, and after watching some of those Dida-esque howlers I’m not ready to let him anywhere near my team. Nope, this spot is reserved for Santiago Canizares. Both for his abilities between the post and the fact that this team needs a little bit of flair in the hair department.

RB: He’s supposed to be the second coming of Cafu, maybe even a little better. But it’s pretty difficult to do that when your playing time rivals that of, well, me. For some reason, Luciano Spalletti has decided not to bestow one of his vaunted man crushes on Cicinho, and he’s rotting on the bench accordingly. Aside from the language, the food, and everything else, it seems Rome is just like Madrid. (Billiam Sagnol deserves honorable mention here.)

CB: One was supposed to be one of the shrewdest buys of last summer and the other was the laughing stock of the entire market season. But suddenly Christoph Metzelder, signed for free from Dortmund, can’t get a whiff of La Liga action and Pepe has inserted himself into that role, not necessarily justifying that absurd pricetag, but making a solid attempt. Metzelder started off a favorite of compatriot Schuster, but has seen his PT dwindle significantly as of late. I’m sure those Real paychecks are an easy shoulder to cry on.

CB: We’re going to call this pairing the twin towers; pairing 193cm (6′4) Metzelder with 196cm (6′5) Bayern reject Daniel Van Buyten. We’re aiming to win all the aerial battles.

LB: Example #5,798 why you shouldn’t judge a player based on a tournament: Royston Drenthe. (Sure, he’s still young enough, but considering the hype machine after the U-21 tournament and the price paid, he deserves a spot. That and we’re a big fan of Edgar Davids clones at The Offside. We’re still waiting for Royston to adopt the goggles.)

CM: You could argue that Momo Sissoko has the first touch of the statue of David (I will), but every team needs a bulldozer masquerading as a midfielder. I’d take him on any team for pure entertainment purposes. And how anybody makes it onto this team through Rafa’s U6-esque rotational policy really baffles the mind. Bravo, Momo. Bravo.

CM: This spot is saved for whichever Juventus midfielder isn’t tingling Clauido Ranieri’s sensitive bits on that given day. It was Tiago for much of the year, but it appears lately that his spot in the Bianconeri doghouse (which yes, does have bars in front of it) is being occupied by Sergio Almiron, whose stock has been plummeting so fast you’d think Kenneth Lay and Jeffrey Skilling are involved (one posthumously, at least - RIP).

CM: Yes, Michael Ballack has been playing and playing damn well as of late, but he was still dropped from the entire squad list for the Champions League group stage and that trumps anything they’ve done otherwise. Doing that while also leaving two spots open is Low Blow of the Half Season in my book.

ST: I don’t know if he’s benched, hurt, or just fat, but he gets a spot on this team regardless. The Real Ronaldo looks to be, dare we say, cooked. Or at least the Calcio Grim Reader is standing behind him cocking back that pitchfork, ready to insert it into his back.

ST: Two years ago he was considered easily the best player in the world. Last year he scored 21 goals in the best league in the world. This year he’s waiting for a knight in shining armor to come rescue him and take him home to either London or Milan. Ronaldinho just needs somebody to love him.

ST: Andriy Shevchenko has been here so long I’m tempted to give him the captain’s band. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it 18 bajillion times: I don’t like him, but for the love of christ would somebody get him out of London? He’s too good for this. I’ll bet Andriy is the world’s biggest fan of the African Cup of Nations. (Also, Sheva would like somebody to love him as well. Maybe if Dinho moves to CSKA London they can do Brokeback Stamford Bridge.)

The XI

Canizares;
Cicinho, Van Buyten, Metzelder, Drenthe;
Tiago/Almiron, Ballack, Sissoko;
Ronaldinho, Ronaldo, Sheva.