The Haves, Have-Nots & Never-Hads of the Champions League

They must fall.

And so four games in, the Champions League contenders and pretenders have been separated fallen into place for the group stage which, a few spots aside, could’ve been drawn up in August by a blind chimp and his serf, a man who tans.

Breaking down the likelies, unlikelies, and those who are already dreaming of Europa Cup quasi-glory:

We’ll begin with the impossibilities, as championing those who’ve already qualified would be oh so positive. Who needs joy when misery is at the ready?

The eliminated (points):

Maccabi Haifa (0)
Besiktas (1)
APOEL (1)
Atletico (2)
Debrecen (0)

All highly likely to depart early aside from Atletico, who’ve plummeted into travshamockery territory.

And would anyone like to chart a geographical map of those participants? Anyone? Anyone at all?

On the brink (pts):

Bayern (4): It’s less about the points they need and more that they loss back-to-back to Bordeaux. They suck.
Zurich (3): Mathematically still alive, losing 6-1 to Marseille registers you for bottom of the group after day 6. This before mentioning Real Madrid and Milan are in the group.
Liverpool (4): Clearly this is just not The Year of Liverpool. But to be fair, if Lyon don’t roll over for Fiorentina, they have a real shot if they can thrash la viola at Anfield. (Assuming Project Debrecen goes well – as it should).

To be even more fair, needing other results to go your way by Matchday 5 isn’t exactly promising.

And finally, the qualified (pts):

Bordeaux (yay)
ManU (yay)
Chelsea (yay)
Porto (yay)
Lyon (yay)
Sevilla (yay)
Arsenal (yay)

Groups, in a sentence or two:

Group A: Can Bayern beat the Old Lady in her home on the final matchday? At this point, I’m not sure they could sufficiently beat an old lady in a home invasion.

Group B: Wide open; CSKA must have a sense of belief after Wednesday while Wolfsburg must travel to Moscow and host ManU.

Group C: Regardless of how it happens – likely through some weird leathery hybrid of Pippo, Ruud and Raul – Real & Milan will go through. Chalk it up to ‘pedigree’ (but not Pellegrini).

Group D: Carlo Ancelotti in Europe, ladies & gents.

Group E: A qualified Lyon traveling to Florence should weaken the Merseyside knees; yet a mere draw from Lyon and…Rafa Benitez in Europe, ladies & gents.

Group F: Cluster. Fuck. Flip a coin; flip a hat; flip your lid. Who knows.

Group G: Platini needs to amend the rules such that top and bottom from Group F swap places with two from G – this thing is the red-headed step-child of the Champions League. (I vote the STD on name alone.)

Group H: Or maybe just scrap second place from G & H in order to award all four spots to Group F. (Olympiacos, based solely on experience, would seem to have the clear advantage. That and two extra points.)

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Category: Champions League, World Football