The Offside’s Awards for the MLS Eastern Conference Final

By: Laurie | November 14th, 2008

We all know the usual awards after a big game, right? MVP, Best Goal, blah blah blah. Those are so boring. So, instead, we bring you The Offside’s Awards for the Eastern Conference Final: The Ones They Really Deserved.

The “How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?” Award to: ALEXI LALAS
Back when Lalas was (finally) unceremoniously dumped by the LA Galaxy, I thought, “I wonder if I’ll ever come to miss that brash, arrogant humor?” Now that he’s an analyst for ESPN, though, I’m still hoping I’ll one day get the chance to find out.

The “You’ll Always Remember Your First Time” Award to: THE COLUMBUS CREW
for securing their first-ever trip to the MLS Cup Final with this 2-1 win over the Chicago Fire. Congrats, gents! You earned it!

The “Woman’s Prerogative Award” to: ME
Yes, I changed my mind and rooted for Columbus. This tends to happen to me when I haven’t seen Chicago play for awhile. I start out having all kinds of logical reasons to root for them: I like Brian McBride, I like Denis Hamlett… And then Cuauhtemoc Blanco takes his first dive about thirty seconds in and I think, “Oh. Right. Never mind.”

“Most PG-13 Free-Kick Description Ever” Award to: JOHN HARKES (I think that’s who it was)
He described Guillermo Barros Schelotto’s free kick that led to a Crew goal as, “the teasing ball, the probing ball…” Um…yeah. Thanks for sharing that personal moment, John. Now I’m going to go take a shower.

“The Biggest Pair” Award to: Columbus coach SIGI SCHMID
for taking star player Guillermo Barros Schelotto off the field in the 80th when Columbus was up by only one goal, thus guaranteeing that their top kick-taker wouldn’t be on the field if it came down to extra time or penalites. I salute you, sir. That took cojones.

The “Oh, That’s Sexy” Award to: GUILLERMO BARROS SCHELOTTO
for — as he’s being subbed off, and the crowd is giving him an ovation, and every camera in the place is on him in close-up — blowing a snot-rocket. Women love that kind of thing, Guillermo. Trust me on this.

The “Pot, Meet Kettle” Award to: Whichever member of the Chicago staff said, “When are they going to give Columbus a card for diving?”
Umm…Dude? You guys got Blanco on your team.

“The Award I Couldn’t Give” Award to: JON BUSCH
the Chicago goalkeeper who was cut by the Crew before going to Chicago and winning the starting spot. It was going to be the “Revenge is a Dish…” Award, and it was all about sticking it to his former team by knocking them out of the playoffs. Except it only works if you win. So instead I give you the

“Asshat” Award to: JON BUSCH,
for cussing out his former coach Sigi Schmid when Schmid went to congratulate him after the game. You stay classy, Jon.

The “Is That a Ferret Under Your Chin” Award to: (tie) WILMAN CONDE (Fire) and EDDIE GAVEN (Crew, pictured)
Gentlemen, what the hell is up with the large patch of long fur (I’m not even going to call it a beard) that runs from lower neck to chin? I know Beckham started it, but that doesn’t make it okay. Just say no. Please.

The “Let’s Work on that Poker Face” Award to: GINO PADULA, Columbus Crew
Gino, honey, when the ball smacks your arm as you’re charging down an open field but you’re not sure whether or not anybody saw it, we would recommend not slowing down and looking at the ref to check.

The “Maybe You’ll Be Remembered for Something Other Than Beckham” Award to PHIL ANSCHUTZ, LA Galaxy owner, for whom the most recent MLS Cup Trophy was named.
Incredibly cool looking trophy, Phil. Almost enough to make you forget that the rest of the season ever happened. Right?