The Offside’s Utterly Unofficial Awards for Chicago – RSL. The “Eastern” Conference Finals

By: Laurie | November 14th, 2009

chicago rsl Final score Chicago 0-0 RSL aet, RSL takes it on penalties, 5-4.

First, just like last year, we have to go with the “AMERICANS SUCK AT GEOGRAPHY award,” (given last year under a different name to):
MLS.

So…yeah. Salt Lake. In the Eastern Conference finals.

Why am I getting visions of MLS Commissioner Don Garber standing on his east coast deck and saying, “I can see BYU from my house!”

(Oops, sorry. Too political? Okay, never mind, moving on.)

The “OKAY, SO THIS IS COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT, BUT I JUST HAVE TO SHARE THE BEST WIKIPEDIA NOTE EVER” award to:
the following excerpt, which I stumbled on when I was trying to discover whether or not MLS Commish Don Garber actually has an east coast house. It is currently showing up on the Don’s Wiki page. Yes, that Don Garber:

This article may contain an excessive amount of intricate detail that may only interest a specific audience. Please relocate any relevant information, and remove excessive trivia, praise, criticism, lists and collections of links.

Don? Your secret is out. We now know how you and Wikipedia entertain yourselves on Saturday nights.

The “WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO THE RSL ROAD TEAM?” award to:
Real Salt Lake

I was absolutely certain that the matchup in the finals was going to be the LA Galaxy vs. Chicago Fire. Chicago’s skill and talent, RSL’s abysmal road record, and the passionate sellout crowd at Toyota Park did not bode well for the away side. But Real Salt Lake didn’t read the script and fought their guts out through the entire 120 minutes and into penalties for the win.

Sometimes the better team does win. It did tonight.

The “GLOVES OF GOLD” award to:
RSL goalkeeper Nick Rimando, who saved an amazing three penalties in the shootout, compensating for misses by teammates Javier Morales and Fabian Espindola to win the Conference.

Wow, Nick. Why had you never impressed me before this?

The “OH, OUCH, YOU’RE GIVING ME A PAIN IN MY MATERNAL AREA” award to:
RSL’s Javier Morales, who, after missing his penalty and thinking he might have knocked his team out of the game, pulled his jersey over his face to walk away. Which is something guys do when they’re a) hiding embarrassment and b) trying not to cry on national TV.

It’s okay, sweetie. It happens.

But I was really happy when Rimando made it all better.

The “DUDE. TWO WORDS: ANGER. MANAGEMENT” award to:
Chicago’s Cuauhtemoc Blanco

Must say, Temo, that your angry exchanges with players and referees provided some of the most entertaining moments of the game. (Watching how much you took offense at having your chest touched by Nat Borchers whilst lining up for a corner? Priceless.) But seriously, this can’t be healthy.

On the other hand, if you keep it up, maybe someday we’ll get to watch your head explode. And wouldn’t that be amusing?

The “IT’S SO MUCH FUN TO HAVE A PLAYER WITH A NAME THAT SOUNDS LIKE A CHILDHOOD TAUNT” award to:
RSL’s Yura Movsisyan.

Your name has entertained me all year, Yura. I am just that juvenile.

(No, YURA Movsisyan! Neener neener.)

The “DID THE CASTING CALL FOR THIS AD READ ‘WANTED: BRATTY KIDS’?” award to:
Dick’s Sporting Goods and the snotty little “So go ahead. Cut corners. Forget team” gang we’re forced to watch in every MLS game.

“I will break the home run record because I worked hard for it.”

Betting money you won’t, kid. Because first you’re going to piss somebody off and get your fingers broken.

And finally, the “OOOH! PRETTY!” award to:
Real Salt Lake’s collective touch on the ball.

How ofter do you see the words “MLS” and “lovely first touch” in the same sentence? Particularly when talking about an entire team? Not often at all. But you’re seeing it here.

When did you learn to do this, boys? And more importantly, can you teach the rest of the league?