The Offside’s Utterly Unofficial Awards for the MLS Cup

By: Laurie | November 24th, 2008

So we hear that Guillermo Barros Schelotto got the official Award for game MVP. Yawn. Our awards are better.

The “We Hear that Traveling Home by Pumpkin Is Really Fun” Award to: The NEW YORK RED BULLS.
Sorry, guys. You had a great playoff run, put up a good fight, and made the game interesting. But unfortunately the Cinderella team’s clock struck midnight before the final whistle.

The “Sometimes There Really is a Reward for Being Good All Season” Award to: THE COLUMBUS CREW.
It’s not often that the Supporter’s Shield winner also takes home the Cup. This season was all yours, boys. Enjoy.

The “Neener Neener” Award to: Columbus Coach SIGI SCHMID
Schmid was fired from the LA Galaxy back in 2004 despite the fact that the team was tops in the league. How sublimely ironic that his MLS Cup victory came on the Galaxy’s home turf, the Home Depot Center.

The “It Just Gets Funnier Every Time I Hear It” Award to the Dick’s Sporting Goods Motto: “EVERY SEASON STARTS AT DICK’S.”
I have no idea why. I guess I’m just way too juvenile to be a blogger.

The “Worth the Wait” Award to: Columbus Captain FRANKIE HEJDUK
He was a part of the MLS Inaugural draft back in 1996, then left for Germany for a few years before coming back to the Crew in ‘03. Tonight he both scored a goal and won his first-ever MLS Cup. That has to feel good. (Note: Hejduk is also the winner of the “Bet You Have the Most Raging Hangover Today” Award and the Jesus Lookalike Contest.)

The “Major Buzzkill” Award to: Columbus’ CHAD MARSHALL
For almost two minutes, after the ecstasy of the Wolyniec equalizer, it looked like New York might have a chance. Then Chad Marshall scored the second Crew goal, and that was that. Way to spoil the RBNY party, Chad.

The “Yes, This IS Kindergarten” Award to referee BALDOMERO TOLEDO, who couldn’t have done it without help from RBNY’s DANE RICHARDS and the Crew’s GINO PADULA
When Richards and Padula got into a little tussle and exchanged a few not-so-nice words, Toledo called them both over and forced them to shake hands. Which they did — with all the maturity and good grace of five-year-olds who desperately wanted to stick out their tongues and whine, “But he started it!!” For this we took 45 seconds?

The “Wait, What Was Your Name Again?” Award to: MLS Commissioner DON GARBER
for awarding the MLS Cup to “Captain Guillermo Barros Schelotto.” Okay, Don, so we know that you made the mistake because you were sweating over getting the pronunciation of “Schelotto” just right. But the captain is kind of Frankie Hejduk. You definitely need to party with the Crew more so you can tell them apart.

The “Wow, Your Mom Did a Good Job of Teaching You Tact” Award to: GUILLERMO BARROS SCHELOTTO.
When asked which of the eighteen trophies he has won over his career felt the best — trophies which include things like the Copa Libertadores, the Copa Sudamericana and the Intercontinental Cup, not to mention a whole bunch of league titles with Boca Juniors — Schelotto replied, “Each is special.”

We love you too, Guillermo!

The “Beauty and the Beast Award” to GINO PADULA AND HIS BABY DAUGHTER.
You decide which is which.

And finally we have the “Hope It Was Worth the Trip Despite the Final Outcome” Awardto: our own blogger DAVE MARTINEZ
for traveling from New York to LA for this game so he could see his beloved Red Bulls in the Cup final. Sometimes you just have to take a chance and go for it, even when the outcome may not be what you’d hoped. We salute you for having the guts to make the trip, Dave. Well done.