Threatening to Harm Cristinao Ronaldo or a Piss Collector will land you in Trouble

Normally when teams are preparing to face an opponent they don’t like to reveal their game plans ahead of the match. Belgium goalkeeper Stijn Stijnen (that can’t be his real name, can it?) is not so secretive when it comes to what he thinks his country needs to do against Portugal in Saturday’s Euro 2008 qualifying match.

Speaking about the world’s heartthrob Cristiano Ronaldo, Stijnen was quoted as saying:

“After two minutes we will have massacred him so much he will have to leave the pitch on a stretcher. What else do we need to do? Portugal have greater quality and that’s why we have to do things our way. I’m not saying Belgium have to break anyone’s leg, but we have to be aggressive and we have players to do that.”

Nice to know that they don’t have to break any legs. Breaking a neck or an arm will more than suffice in Ronaldo’s case. It comes as no surprise that UEFA is now investigating the comments. They should investigate the Stijn Stijnen Web site and find out why he is so fond of white pants.

The investigations into the Oliver Kahn piss test scandal have come to an end and sorry Ollie fans but your man has been hit with a one-match suspension. That means he will miss Bayern Munich’s first leg against AC Milan in the Champions League. Kahn was also fined $16,490, which I am venturing to say is the most expensive punishment ever given to a player who was angry because he couldn’t muster up the urine to piss in a cup after two agonizing hours.

And this just in: UEFA is rolling in dough now that they have given Lille an $82,000 fine. If you know anyone who works at UEFA you should make him pay for your beers tonight, but please don’t do anything wrong. I can’t handle any more investigations.

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Category: Champions League, Europe, World Football