Tired of Dates Who Don’t Understand the Offside Rule? This Site’s for You

By: Laurie | October 2nd, 2008

First, a quick and personal story:

Last year, I dragged my spouse down to LA to view the SuperLiga semifinals — LA Galaxy vs. DC United. On a gorgeous summer night we placidly sipped beer together as I watched soccer and he did work on his BlackBerry.

Eventually, I jabbed The Spouse in the ribs with my elbow and said, “Hey! Watch this! Beckham’s going to score his first US goal!” And he put down the BlackBerry and watched with me, for a grand total of approximately one minute. During which Beckham did, in fact, score that all-important first US goal.

Not that I hold this against him. Or anything. I adore my spouse. Despite the fact that he is a soccer ignoramus. (Love you, Honey!)

But for those of you who aren’t already similarly committed, there is a site out there called FootballFanFinder.com, which allows singles to find their football-loving mates and avoid these BlackBerry moments. Are you tired of dating significant others who don’t know the Offside Rule from a garden tool? Who couldn’t tell a fullback from a full monty? If so, this site, is, apparently, for you.

Now, for the record, I’ve been married awhile, which means I don’t do dating sites. Which means I don’t understand them. Which means… I don’t get it. But, on the other hand, this site gives us all a 365 day free membership, which… Y’know, what the hell. So let’s take a look.

I’m running through the quizzes, and… First off? It asks for your birthdate, but doesn’t take anything before 1918. On behalf of footy fans over the age of 90, I am heartily offended.

And second thing? The default age range of interest is 18-90 years old. Because, y’know, yeah. We’re all basically interested in anything that moves, as long as they know a touchline from a conga line. So, yeah, sure. My pesudo-single self is fine with this 18-90 range.

Next? It wants to know what we’re looking for: Man, Woman, Couple, Group, Man or Woman, or Any Gender. (So… Can somebody tell my naive self how “Man or Woman” is different from “Any Gender?” Did something beyond the Basic Two sprout up when I wasn’t paying attention? Enquiring minds want to know.)

Moving on. Next thing? It asks for self-assessments based on certain words, where you’re supposed to tell them that you’re something (or not) on a scale of 1-5. Examples: Warm, Clever, Dominant, Ambitious, Outgoing, Agreeable, Submissive, Introverted, Aloof, etc… Because…yeah. The key to longterm happiness will occur when my dominant-yet-introverted self discovers your submissive-yet-aloof.

Wow. The thought makes me light-headed. Excuse me for a second.

Okay, back now. Next: Relationship status, astrological sign, religion, and languages spoken. Becase nothing can bring footy fans together more than discussing Virgos’ marital experience of Scientology in Vietnamese and Hindi.

After that: How did you learn about the site? (Please be sure to mention us by name, okay? TheOffside.com)

Next: Your ethnicity, height, eye color, hair color, body type (from Slim, Slender, Average to Thick, Fatty, Voluptuous and Large.)

And then multiple possible descriptions of your “Body Art.” Go ahead. Tell us. We’re dying to know.

Then you get to brag about your best feature. And tell your weight. And describe your sense of humor. And describe your diet and exercise habits, and smoking, drinking, living, children-desiring, education, employment, annual income, type of job, what you do for fun, sports you enjoy, favorite things, last thing you read (and don’t go all Sarah Palin on us and say “Everything”), common interests you’d like to share…

And that was the point where it took me back to square one — back to the main page. Which means that this leaves out something really major: Team affiliation. So what happens if you’re a Manchester United fan, and the person who would otherwise be your soulmate roots for Citeh? Or you were born into Barcelona love, when your true love only has eyes for Real Madrid?

I think this site needs some updates and alteration.

But, for those who are single? You could do worse. And to spouses everywhere, just fyi? If you’re tempted to hang out with your BlackBerry during games? Your beloveds now have other options. Ahem.