Transfer Talk: Didn’t See That Coming.

By: chris | July 13th, 2009

Even kit number transfers can leave us perplexed. Perhaps the strangest rumor of the day involves, once again, Michael Owen and those blokes from Manchester United. Not only did he get the surprise contract, but he’ll also reportedly be given the hallowed No. 7 previously worn by that greasy chap now residing in Madrid (amongst others). Wasn’t this supposed to be a ‘just in case we can find a time machine by the time his contract’s up’ buy? Isn’t Michael swallowing a bit more than he can chew? Suddenly the weight of the world is on Owen’s shoulders, which should mean his knees will buckle under expectation and osteoporosis any day now.

It has been confirmed that Manchester City are now in the market for a striker we can describe as ‘lanky-ass’, with Emmanuel Adebayor & Luis Fabiano heading the queue – though Luis ‘only wants Milan’. (Funny, we only want world peace.) If they could somehow manage to net both, Citeh could unleash a Holy Trinity of strikers who fell woefully short of expectations last season (along with that Santa Cruz fellow). This whole ‘more money than Jebus’ thing isn’t quite what it’s played out to be, is it?

You know Zlatan? Chelsea do, and they like what they see. So much so they might unleash a monster bid including the likes of Ricardo Carvalho & Deco supplemented by garbage trucks full of cash trekking down to Milan. Rumor has it the British press may bankroll the deal, as they desperately need to replace CR79’s ego and there is only one man currently wandering about his pantheon of megalomania.

Riots on the fore! The perfect storm is brewing! Spanish press is reporting that Italian international Andrea Pirlo is on his way to England to play with Chelsea. The Spanish, Italian & British presses lying in the same bed has all the potential to unleash a typhoon of absurdity unseen since Cristiano’s warm front met a cold one in Paris.

Lega Calcio will also lose the poor man’s Andrea Pirlo, Gaetano D’Agostino, to Real Madrid, where, with the mere swipe of a quill, he’ll actually become, err, the rich man’s Andrea Pirlo as Florentino Perez continues building this gilded shrine to himself.

Speaking of a colliding dearth of perspective, what happens when two clubs notorious for severely inflating the value of their players in transfers bump one another? Efficiency, that’s what. Just before the weekend, Lyon completed the purchase of Lisandro Lopez from Porto to replace Karim Benzema. On the weekend, Porto complete the purchase of Falcao from River Plate to replace Lisandro Lopez. So easy, it must’ve been on Football Manager.

Meanwhile, Rafa Benitez delved into a fit of rage this weekend denouncing the greed of footballers and the cash-wielding clubs that so desire them. A fit of rage which has been meet by mathematically-inclined reports that Xabi Alonso wants a one way ticket from Liverpool to Madrid, as apparently ‘Gareth Barry’ translates to ‘Xabi Alonso’ in Spanish.

Who ever said football never taught us anything?