Transfer Talk: Everybody In, Everybody Out.

Rumor has it Florentino Perez’s first act after hiring Manuel Pellegrini will be to install a revolving door in the Bernabeu dressing room. Out will go half the back line, Gonzalo Higuain – productivity matters not if your name isn’t in lights – and the Dutch national football team. And the first order of import business – even before the CR7 and Kaka nonsense – will be to bring Xabi Alonso back from the Spanish national team’s satellite program on the Mersey.

But let’s discuss Higuain for a second. This may be pure rumor, but I would love to see the new/old regime display the stupidity to allow him elsewhere and then the subsequent feeding frenzy by every giant not named Real Madrid.

(Kaka…yadda yadda yadda.)

In a deal which will amount to nothing more than swapping one great tackler for another, Milan want Michael Essien in return for Andrea Pirlo heading to London to rejoin Carletto. It should be noted that Il Corriere Dello Sport is printed in Italy and thus on papyrus allergic to sources and/or facts.

But more importantly, Ancelotti may also jaunt back to Milan and stow the walking, talking Champions League trophy Clarence Seedorf into his luggage.

Since the inception of the ‘Champions League’ in 1992, the title board looks something like this:

1. Clarence Seedorf – 4
2. Milan – 3
Real Madrid – 3
4. Barcelona -2
Manchester United – 2

Roman’s just commissioned a yacht in his honor.

Kleber wasn’t quite up to snuff in Ukraine so he was sent a-packin’ back to Brazil in the January window. At 25, not the best of signs. While there he played 19 games…and scored 19 goals. So suddenly he’s Liverpool material to the tune of €7m. 19 games.

Speaking of Liverpool and South American attackers, Ezequiel Lavezzi did a drastic thing and wrote a mean old letter to Napoli after they wouldn’t let him move on – or so you’d think. With Fabio Quagliarella now back home in Napoli, it was assumed Ezequiel would be sitting out on the front lawn with that For Sale sign waiting for the droves of hormone-enraged suitors. And then later in the day he stated his desire to remain at Napoli. No mixed signals there. Nope.

John Terry has begun his career in the back room a bit early by nudging Carlo Ancelotti towards Franck Ribery and David Villa. You know, those two signings alone – wages included – could easily usurp the £140 million Roman paid for Chelsea in the first place. Wonder if John’s willing to take a paycut to make it happen.

That sound you hear is JT’s wishes hurtling back to earth with a firm thud.

Speaking of big time central defenders with a propensity for choking in big Champions League games against Manchester United…..Bruno Alves would like to leave Porto and G14 has unknowingly reconvened in a queue outside the Dragao for his services.

Onto another defender named Bruno from the Iberian peninsula. This Bruno, currently of Almeria with an expiring contract at the end of the month, had signed on a free for Real Betis. But then Betis were relegated and his contract was nullified. So now he’ll join Barcelona. Yes, that Barcelona.

Normally we could joke that Bruno has transcended the dream state and is now wandering around heaven while still earthly, but wouldn’t that simply be playing in a team with a midfield led by Xavi and Andres Iniesta?

Ligue 1 may get a lot more colorful as Patrick Vieira threatens to take his impossibly bad timing back home to France.

Everton will do their best to resurrect the career of….can’t believe I’m typing this….former Ballon d’Or winner Michael Owen, who is fresh off his inability to lead a team to relegation safety. Ballon d’Or. Yeah.

Gareth Barry, the homeless man’s Cristiano Ronaldo/Kaka when it comes to transfer sagas, has been given the OK Go by Aston Villa to discuss terms with Manchester City. A move which is highly unlikely to result in Gareth returning to Villa Park and saying, “Yeah, think I’d like to stay”. Mr. Barry will also be joined by Carlos Tevez in the club of people who haven’t checked the Premiership final table lately.

Wolfsburg would like to, presumably, replace Edin Dzeko with Luca Toni, whose wages would appear a problem until you realize Wolfsburg are owned by Volkswagen. (They have a decent bank account.) Bayern will replace him with Simone Perrotta, though not if Wolfsburg get there first – an exchange involving a prolific striker with world-class finishing skills and an attacking midfielder who couldn’t hit the side of a barn from the hay inside.

And equally as surprising, Koln would like Patrick Helmes in their charitable bid to return young, burgeoning superstars back home to join a team which finished twelfth in the league. Or maybe they’re just feeling their oats a bit after managing to lure Lukas Podolski back.

One gets the feeling the rumors are only headed downhill from here, so this is where we’ll stop.

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Category: Transfer Talk, World Football