Transfer Talk: Nobody’s Goin’ Nowhere.

By: chris | June 19th, 2009

(Put those things away.)

Aly Cissokho, the man with the not-quite-small task of ushering in a new era of a younger Milan, will not be ushering in anything anywhere – though he may be ushered into a dentist’s chair shortly. He failed his medical due to a dental problem. A dental problem which causes muscle deterioration. And since Milan aren’t keen to pay €15m for their own version of Thinner, he will stay at Porto and Milan will sign Serginho’s father to play left back next year.

Meanwhile, more flights from Iberia – even domestic ones – have been cancelled.

“Valencia, in the form of Javier Gomez and then of Manuel Llorente told me, as the agent of David Villa, that he was available…Now, Valencia have contradicted things because they have said they do not want to sell the player after, as you know, holding negotiations with three of the four clubs. They are putting us in a very unpleasant situation and it is good for nobody….This is a situation caused by Valencia, mainly by Javier Gomez and Manuel Llorente, which has forced us to leave the market with our tails between our legs. It is a very bad situation, one has to think about the damage that is being done not only to Valencia but also to David Villa, and bear in mind the worst thing is that he is away at the Confederations Cup with Spain. It is very sad.”

Awwwwww. Did somebody miss out on a weally, weally big commission and paycheck percentages? Yes he did. Yes he did. So sad.

As the revolving door turns: The latest addition to Chelsea’s stable of Portuguese-speaking right backs, The Unibrow (sometimes known as Bosingwa or even Jose), isn’t featuring in Carletto’s plans and might just join Bayern for big money. His replacement? Who knows, but he’ll definitely speak Portuguese. Some are saying Lucas Neill, but that can’t possibly be true as he’s, well, Lucas Neill and he would never, ever go somewhere for the money. Ever.

Arsenal have signed Thomas Vermaelen for something around £10m from Ajax. Oddly enough, Vermaelen joined a club known for finding young talent and churning them out for ridiculous profits from a club known for…finding young talent and churning them out for ridiculous profits. Thomas must love perpetual rebuilding.

Marouane Chamakh is also wanted by Arsenal for his incredibly mediocre goal-return rate amongst other, more productive team-building mish mash. Fulham too.

Blackburn sold high (very high) with David Bentley last summer, but couldn’t do the same this summer, as they’ll accept ‘only’ £16.5m for Roque “Get Me The @#$% Outta Here” Santa Cruz from wannabe big boys Man City.

Tiago has reportedly been offered to fellow Champs League participant Atletico Madrid in order to bring a quick and much desired end to his time in Torino. No indications as to whether Cobolli Gigli will lock him in the toilet until he agrees to move or not.

On one side of Milan, Pato is doing more quacking and less displaying that he has the ability to handle himself in front of a reporter’s mic:

”Carlo Ancelotti is very important to me, both as a coach and a person. It was him who wanted Milan to sign me, and he has developed me as a player. I feel a sense of owing him a great deal. I have a contract with Milan, and it is down to them to decide about my future. But I would be interested if Ancelotti were to call on me to join Chelsea.”

They paid, what, €25m for you less than 2 years ago when you couldn’t even play and you’re still a walking Proactiv ad? Show some loyalty to that and shut up you nincompoop.

While on the other, Inter’s suits have put everyone on Ibra-alert. Again.

“Everything can happen at the right price. Ibra’s value is not less than Kaka’s and could be around that of Cristiano Ronaldo.”

Would anybody be opposed to the formation of a mathematical European commission so that we could once and for all figure out just how the hell much Zlatan is worth? Didn’t think so. Actually, quick thought.