Transfer Talk: What’s Plan F Again?

By: chris | July 3rd, 2009

Aston Villa, Tottenham, Fulham, Milan…Abby Clancy – what the hell is Peter Crouch’s appeal? Decent targetman, but what about the aesthetics? Football’s a game of beauty – hence that whole beautiful game thing – and Peter Crouch is, well, he’s just not. He’s a 200cm skeleton bumbling up and down the pitch in something of a coordinated seizure. Milan can surely do better; must do better. Though they might not, if rumors are to be believed (or if targets 1-20 are unavailable.

Suddenly Michael Owen to Manchester United doesn’t sound so bad.

And just in case Owen & Crouch don’t pan out – how ever could they not? – ManU & Milan will tussle over Confederations Cup final king Luis Fabiano – though something about this list of priorities doesn’t seem quite right.

Speaking of, ManU are looking to supplement the Owen purchase with Hertha’s Serbian stud Gojko Kacar, who can play damn near every position on the pitch – and presumably a few others on the playing surfaces of other sports – and thus ManU would have an emergency backup for their emergency backup.

Manchester City, in their bid to prove that money and money alone really can make you legitimate, sent out a £30m feeler to Chelsea for John Terry. Upon receiving this feeler, Chelsea cried “sexual harassment!” and shoved the door in their oil-drenched faces. Then slid a note under the door which read “£50m and we’ll talk”.

Lyon would like to replace young egomaniac Karim Benzema with old egomaniac, David Trezeguet. That should go well. Rafael van der Vaart may join Trez as Lyon is, yes, in Spain.

Rafa Benitez will shy away from his normal routines by going for someone young and Spanish, this in the form of 16 year old Sevilla winger Luis Alberto. Luis is so young he doesn’t have any YouTube videos. Or he might, but our research stops when Mister Spain 2007 starts popping up in searches. At least on weekdays.

Dani Guiza has decided that playing for a paycheck in Turkey isn’t quite all it’s hyped to be, so he’ll move to Valencia where he’ll play for no paycheck on occasion.

Aston Villa & Tottenham are bickering over a €14m move for a booming cannon of a left peg attached to the body of Lille’s Brazilian midfielder Michel Bastos – now to be known as the-not-quite-poor-man’s Roberto Carlos.

Meanwhile, Lille will likely lose Belgian phenom Eden HazardH as well. Inter is the latest on the trail, but Barca, Real Madrid, Manchester United and every other team with bulging wallets.

But here’s a thought: why not buy both and save on YouTube videos?