Wanted for Crimes Against Fashion: Henry, Makelele, Ramos, Ronaldinho

I should be the last person on earth in to pass judgment on another’s fashion sense. Don’t think I don’t know this. Because as I’ve said before? I was not a Barbie doll girl.

Okay, again, technically untrue. I owned one. But the first thing I did when I got her was throw all those itty bitty pointy shoes in the garbage, because they @#$%ing pissed me off. Then I spent the rest of her short life trying to make her ride horses. Barefoot and naked. Because she no longer had shoes, and you try to get Barbie on a horse when she’s wearing one of those tight dress things.

(However, if you should ever come across a Barbie in dire need of emergency action because her leg has become detached at the hip? You have come to the right place. I am a professional.)

But it’s July, and there is NOTHING going on, and even I can tell when egregious crimes are being committed. And there are some crimes are so heinous that they need to be called out in public. (Because even mass murderers don’t stop until they’re caught.)

First, up above, I bring you: Thierry Henry. I actually blame him for all of this, because he started it. This photo is the oldest. I guess he thought that the tie made it fancy dress?

Next up, Henry’s France teammate, Claude Makélélé. (Pictured here with his lovely supermodel wife, Noemie Lenoir, who is, as always, a vision. I am trying to amass enough good karma so that in my next life I can come back as Noemie. Except that I don’t think I’d marry Claude.)

Maké has apparently been taking fashion tips from Titi. Normally, this would be a good thing. In this case, though? Please.

Next up? What the hell is up with Sergio Ramos’s shorts? Are they supposed to…um…pouch like that?

Dude, you’re rich. You’re famous. You just won the Euros. Have a little self-respect.

And finally, Ronaldinho. This one actually breaks my heart a little. Because isn’t slobbery (which should be a real word) one of the signs of depression?

Honey, I know you’re sad because you’re out of shape and in lousy form and Barcelona won’t let you go to the Olympics. But put on a suit. We’ll all feel better.

And there you have it. My once-a-year fashion post. Won’t happen again till next July.

And now I feel a desperate need to take a long, hot shower to cleanse my brain and soul so I can start thinking about straightforward footy again.

Hat tips to these first responders for finding the photos:

Henry photo from Kickette.

Makelele photo from The Spoiler)

Ramos photo from Anna at This is Extra Time

Ronaldinho photo from Who Ate All the Pies.

Some Related Stories:

Category: World Football