When Roy Keane Attacks: Five Survival Strategies

First, a confession: I kind of love Ipswich Town manager and former Ireland captain Roy Keane. (Even though he terrifies me.) Must say, though, that I was glad it wasn’t my cell phone going off in the middle of a press conference this week. Because let’s face it: the man is a bit…oh, how shall we put this delicately…

I believe “borderline psychopathic” about covers it.

Remember, this is a man who responded to texted good wishes after his Sunderland departure with a terse, “Go f*** yourself.” And in his autobiography he once described his knee-high horror tackle on Alf-Inge Håland like this:

I’d waited long enough. I f***ing hit him hard. The ball was there (I think). Take that you c***. And don’t ever stand over me sneering about fake injuries. [...]“My attitude was, f*** him. What goes around comes around. He got his just rewards. He f***ed me over and my attitude is an eye for an eye.

This is the tackle. Not for the squeamish.

Which leads to the question: What should you do if Mr. Keane turns those flat, empty undead eyes in your direction?

We have some survival strategies.

• 1. Play dumb.

  The reporter in the clip at the top has this mastered to perfection.

  What, you find that annoying? Not possible. It’s not annoying. Nothing to see here. I’ll just let it ring out.

• 2. Play dead.

  It works for the lowly opossum. It might work for you.




• 3. Make light of it. That was the strategy followed by this journalist.

  On second thought, I don’t think I can recommend this.

  Are we sure this guy escaped with all his fingers?

• 4. Kiss up to him.

  Also known as “The Patrick Vieira strategy.” Years after this dustup in the tunnel between Keane and Vieira, where they had to be pulled apart by the referee, Patrick named Keane as one of the best he’s ever played against:

  “For me, being in England for nine years, I would have said Roy Keane. (He) is really tough, really strong, but he was fair. What I like about him is the fact that he would not talk, he would take the kick, he would not say anything, then, on the next one, he would give it to you and he would expect, of course, that you say nothing. He’s not the kind of player who talks a lot. So he’ll take the kick, he will give back, but I like him – he’s quite fair.”

  Quite probably completely true.

  (Or maybe Vieira just got tired of worrying about his house getting burned down.)

• 5. Duck and cover.

  Because if it can help you survive a nuclear holocaust, it might even help you survive Roy Keane.

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Category: World Football