Who Needs A Wasserman?

By: chris | July 10th, 2009

It’s hard to determine just who was more successful with that Michael Owen brochure, because most of you probably know precisely what that headline means without having to read further.

Wasserman Media Group is the agency that represents Michael Owen and created that ridiculous yet highly effective 32-page brochure which brought him from the bench of a Coca Cola side to a contract with three-time Premier League head honchos Manchester United. Suffice it to say, they’ve probably fielded a call or two from agent-hunting athletes within the last couple weeks on the back of this.

Which means chances are this won’t be the last brochure to land in the laps of football clubs across the world. In fact, this could be the dangerous beginning of blog fodder for years and years to come. It’s already begun, with everyone under the sun a target for the internet crowd. But much like those embarrassing ointments and cleansers which most poke fun at (that’s you, RepHresh), some actually need one.

So who will be be putting in a call to get themselves a Wasserman deal? Let’s speculate.

Andriy Shevchenko: It’s either a Wasserman or a time machine. Since the latter hasn’t been invented outside the movies, it’s going to have to be the former.

Patrick Kluivert: Despite being burnt to a crisp, Patrick just refuses to retire. It’s not his age, but rather that he’s scored 8 goals since 2005 and that he’s been out of football for the last year. So maybe a Wasserman could at least reward his stubbornness with a move joining ex-pal Marc Overmars at Go Ahead in the Dutch Eerste Divisie.

Patrick Vieira: He’ll get himself a nice career-ending contract with a good club in France – a Makelele, if you will – but given his one-time stranglehold on the midfield throne in football, you get the feeling a Wasserman could net him a nice contract as resident thug for Galacticos 2.0 beta or something.

On second thought, do you know where he’d fit in perfectly?

Denilson: Once the most expensive footballer in the world, now signing pay-as-you-play deals with mid-table Vietnamese sides. A Wasserman should at least get him to a relegation fighter in Uzbekistan.

Romario: Because somewhere, Romario is holding a group hostage telling them how he is still the best striker in the world.

Ronaldo: Not so much the brochure itself but the Photoshopping capabilities. Is it biologically impossible to be allergic to a treadmill?

Henrik Larsson: Last summer he probably could’ve walked into some of the better sides in Europe. Now he’s being linked to Gold Coast United. For the love of Buddha, get this man a Wasserman.

Ruud van Nistelrooy: One can do worse than Tottenham, but has anyone looked at this man’s goal ratios recently? He’s ridiculous. And didn’t a certain someone once proclaim him finished before? Ruud’s got at least one to two years left at the top.

* – A quick Google reveals that may only be 6-12 months in equine years, which would explain quite a bit.

Arjen Robben: Speaking of Dutch Madridistas…wasn’t he supposed to be forced out of the club? Where are the rumors? Is everyone being frightened off by his Owen-like injury frequency and alarming male-pattern baldness? Teams should be queueing outside his door with a blank contract, some Rogaine and a team of personal physicians at the ready.

There’s no end to the line in sight, so have at it.