Who Needs News When You Can Just Make Stuff Up?

By: chris | October 8th, 2008

Have you ever known that the percentage of outlandish news and rumors seems to spike during international breaks? You know, stuff like finding Cesc & Sergio Ramos dotting Milan’s lineup next year. Or seeing Juventus switch their interest from one Merseyside-based Spaniard (Xaba) to another (Rafa). The headlines which seem to coincide with international breaks, aka “no real news to write about”.

So like everyone else, this is what’s happening in The Offside’s football world right now.

Freddie Ljungberg hires Calvin Klein as agent and signs six month deals with both PSG & Tokyo FC.

After conquering the London scene and not being of the required quality for either Milan club, Freddie moves to Tokyo and Paris as he prioritizes his football stops around fashion hotbeds.

ManU to loan Berbatov back to Tottenham out of pity in January; sign Thierry Henry to play wing.

Sir Alex has a giant heart, or didn’t ya know?

Sepp Blatter hit by falling debris, now suffering from amnesia and under the impression he’s starring as Pitti-Sing in The Mikado.

Julio Cesar hires Jeff Gillooly to take out Ronaldinho & Kaka.

Here’s what Julio had to say after the president of Brazil called Messi the best player in the world and praised his efforts:

“I voted for him and I was very upset, mainly because he gave Messi as an example. He should go and live in Argentina, become an Argentine citizen, resign as president and maybe Brazil will improve in some way or another.”

How do you think he’ll take the news that Ronaldinho & Kaka have said Lionel should win the Ballon D’Or?

Espanyol handed €3,000,000 fine for fan violence.

€3,000? For a “serious offense”? Really? Even Levante could unearth that much from the couch cushions.

Jurgen Klinsmann calls on a Hollywood pal for some motivational speaking.

Didn’t go so well.

Teams that play unaesthetic football forced to wear catastrophic kits to generate interest/suffer punishment.

Like a car crash, you can’t help but watch.

(Actually a rugby kit but….dear god.)

Steven Gerrard & Frank Lampard obtain food poisoning from bad tempura.

Is there a less interesting neverending story to non-Three Lion enthusiasts in the English speaking world than whether or not Stevie and Frank can play in the same midfield? How about a couple nights spent no more than 15 feet from the men’s room – nothing malicious – for the lads to give the rest of us a breather. Small price to pay and they’ll reap the benefits of a superdupersecret Eastern diet without having to drink the disgusting tea. Everybody wins.

(Google ads are throwing a party right now.)