Zlatan, Crissy & Uncle Fester Throw The Media Some Bones

By: chris | April 28th, 2008

They should know better by now. The sensationalist media outlets will take anything and everything they can get their greasy hands on and twist it to sell copy (or get hits, nowadays). Take Zlatan’s recent “I don’t know what will happen in the future” statement which was followed by “England and Spain”. According to less-than-reputable sources, Madrid heard this, fell out of bed and phoned in a €50m + Mahamadou Diarra for Zlatan fuckin’ ASAP.

Not to be outdone, Cristiano Ronaldo is still hearting Spain and Adriano Galliani has hinted at selling Kaka to Real Madrid. It was perhaps tongue-in-cheek, but I had my fill of the “ZOMG!?@#@! Kaka 2 REAL!!!” rumors last summer, thanks. Kill me now.

If I were king of everything, there would be a law that says anyone who mentions [Insert the name of big time superstar here] and Real Madrid in the same sentence should be drawn and quartered at dusk of the next business day. Or maybe we should just rename Pandora’s Box “Real Madrid’s Transfer Rumors”. Either way, linking a big name player to Real on the doorstep of summer will be nauseating come, oh, June.

This isn’t the first time Zlatan has been linked to Real. In fact, last summer the not-all-that-reliable rumor was €50m minus MD to send Zlatan packing to the Bernabeu. The recent quote which had Madrid scrambling for their fountain pens and checkbooks looked something like this:

“In Italy I am well, but I do not know what will happen in the future,” said the 26-year-old.

“I have a fascination also to play in England or Spain, technical championships like Italy.”

Bernd Schuster isn’t helping matters by proclaiming his love for ZI; and doing so with the utmost confidence:

“Ibra? He’s a great player and I would like him here,” said the German tactician.

“All the major players are welcome and are possible targets for Real Madrid. Ibrahimovic is one I would like to have.”

That will hardly be enough to tempt Massimo Moratti. Ditto for Real’s checkbooks. Moratti has got cash and plenty of it. Zlatan, though, might like to test his luck in Spain sooner, rather than later.

Uncle Fester (Galliani), on the other hand, might not have the luxury of bottomless pockets. But that doesn’t mean he has to announce it to the world, even if he may have been joking. After mentioning to the shareholders that the club was significantly in debt, UF casually mentioned that they could easily balance the books by selling a certain Gesu-lover to a certain Spanish club which craves superduperstars. Cue pandemonium.

Cristiano Ronaldo did the same and said he’d like to play in Spain one day, but we knew that already. He says it once a month or so. (And if he forgets to mention it his mama comes out and says it for him.) Chances are it won’t be for some time, but who cares? It sells.

Whether or not any or all find their way from Italy to Spain over the summer remains to be seen. What this does signal, however, is that we’re in for a few months of incessant and inevitably tiresome “XXXXX to Real Madrid for €XXm” rumors. Perhaps we could levy a fan’s fine or something for the headlines we’re about to endure.